literature

Hold My Hand

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Literature Text

The worry lines etched
deep into her very soul
are poorly disguised.

She sits in silence
in a hospital, afraid
at her sister's side.

Trembling she pleas
for such a nightmare to end
at the morning's break.

Tired of hearing
the best-case scenario
when nothing is sure.

Grief for what might be
begins to burrow into
the cracks of her heart.

Desperately she clings
to a faith she's trying not
to dismiss or doubt.

Feeling more fragile
than she ever has before
she hides behind smiles.

When her sister's eyes
open there's no light behind
them to provide hope.

She doesn't want to
hear the odds of recovery,
but watch it happen.

Searching empty eyes
she asks her sister weakly:
"Will you hold my hand?"
My sister got into a really serious car accident around Thanksgiving. This poem is a weak attempt at try to capture what it was like for me to experience something like that. There's a whole lot more to the story but I'm pleased with how this compilation of haikus represents it. I put this under family rather than emotional... Was that misplaced?

--

Did you feel there was a depth to this piece or was it relatively shallow?

How might I improve this piece?

--

This is a part of the 100 poem challenge I've decided to undergo.

~-~-~

From the critique given to me I have added to and revised this piece. It can be found here:  Hold My Hand (2)A call to end the
happy waiting for family
reunions are made.
Black ice met black tire.
Not once, twice, but thrice it flipped.
No seat belts were worn.
The first glimpse she gets
of her sister is a grim
and foreboding one.
Plastic tubes shoved in
and down adolescent throats
for breathing and food.
It's a week before
real talk of recovery
beings in earnest.
As people ask with
poorly conceived questions she
assures them the best.
Each assurance feels
false and it weighs on her mind
that maybe they are.
The worry lines etched
deep into her very soul
are poorly disguised.
She sits in silence
in a hospital, afraid
at her sister's side.
Trembling she pleas
for such a nightmare to end
at the morning's break.
Tired of hearing
the best-case scenario
when nothing is sure.
Grief for what might be
begins to burrow into
the cracks of her heart.
Desperately she clings
to a faith she's trying not
to dismiss or doubt.
Feeling more fragile
than she ever has before
she hides behind smiles.
When her sis
© 2015 - 2024 LoryRhythm
Comments4
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OldSchoolHipster's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Vision:

Our usual vision standard will have to be set aside yet again, and we will have to return to the generic measurement for this particular critique/review.

The vision here is clear enough to where we "get the gist", but that is as far as it gets.

Because we get not even a brief mention of back-story, as to how this particular individual found themselves in this situation, and or how did the author/poet find them self here, we have to subtract a full star.

I could have replaced a half star for each persons brief back-story, had it been inserted. A half-star was also deducted because there is no landscape/environment.

For example: (skip the haiku format, this is for vision purposes)

-The Poet: The call, it came unannounced, the hospital that knew my name.

-The Injured: The light shined red, she stopped as she should, another chose not to.

-The Environment: Cold and white, devoid of life, the room shared in her despair.

The author mentions a Hospital, but without the environment, we are left in the lobby, and not in the room with the two women.

Originality:

So now the expected question... Is this original?

Nooo... As if this was the first time members of a family gathered over tragedy in a hospital.

This should have been a two star crash, but...

-Seeing as this is the first critique I have done for this particular artist.

-This artist is young.

-This artist is drawing from a non-fiction event. (I saw a pic on her Instagram)

-This artist genuinely asks for specific input in the description of the poem.

A 3 ½ is more than fair.

The artist is sincerely interested in growth, and for that, we will give latitude.

I would have liked to see some proper nouns. (Sisters names, hospital name)

Colorful environment. (Day/Night, Hot/Cold, Winter? Summer? Spring? Fall?)

With those two added, I could have gone a full star higher.

Technique:

Not much to say here, the technique is great, the execution is great, it flows well, no problem at all. I could have gone to a perfect 5 star rating here, if the things I mentioned in Vision and Originality had found their way into the piece. Other than that, there is nothing pro or con about the technique. Just keep doing what you are doing, you are indeed on the right track.

Impact:

And now for the one that matters most.

You would have to be cold and heartless for this particular piece to not have an impact on you. A non-fiction event where two siblings appear to be alone in a world where only the deity of the poet has found himself as tenuous as the event itself. It is important to note that the artist bringing to light the natural human reaction of allowing the "natural man" to question whether the existence, and or will of the Creator is at work in their situation.

The religious/spiritual person cannot be a true devotee, unless they are willing to question what and who it is they serve, something in this instance, hits home for all those that have wondered if God is watching, will he help, why did he let this happen. It is a humbling moment, to admit that one does not know the mind of God, and rebels against it, even if only for a brief moment in time.

It gets five stars because it is real in every aspect, (although ambiguous in back-story and environment) it is something that anyone can visualize themselves being put in, or have already found themselves in. Its impact in relevant in the past, present, and future. A relevancy that anyone reading the work, hopes to never find themselves relating to.

Overall, this is a solid 4 star image on average...

This review also appears here:

www.guyvestal.com/home/2015/02…